The Angry Waiter

Cafe Bong (5706 N. Clark) - though it may technically be named “Cafe Bong Ho” - is small, run down, a little gross and kind of pathetic and I hope, selfishly, that it never gains a wide reputation as “The Newest, Coolest Dive Bar.”

No, the beauty of this hole-in-the-wall is that it’s seemingly known to only a few…and I hope it stays that way.

Located about one block north of Bryn Mawr on the west side of Clark Street, Cafe Bong is easy to miss. The sign hanging over the sidewalk gives the impression the place is a cheap Korean restaurant. There are no large picture windows here for passersby to peak in. Instead, the facade is nondescript, bricked up save for a small, rectangular window at eye-level or higher.

Nothing about the outside indicates this is one whacky dive bar.

Everything on the inside screams dive - A few tall tables, about 18 - 20 seats at the long, dusty bar, a slightly under-sized pool table, no real decorations to speak of and bathrooms that make using the alley seem appealing.

Walk into The Bong unprepared and you’re likely to turn right around and go elsewhere…unless you know its secret appeal.

Now would be a good time for you buttoned-up conservative types to stop reading. There are a lot of great bars in neighborhoods all over Chicago and beyond, so go and enter the term “great dive bar” in the search box above and start searching. Stop reading this right now. No, really, this place isn’t for you, so good luck in your search.

Now that the stick-in-the muds are gone and are hopefully drinking further north in Edgewater or maybe even up in Roger’s Park, I’ll share with those of you smart enough not to be fooled by my attempt at misdirection the real appeal of Cafe Bong (Ho).

First, there’s nobody there. On several occasions, my friends and I have been the only customers in the place except for a few, literally two or three, regulars who looked like they probably just got done working in the kitchen of one of the area restaurants.

Our first time visiting Cafe Bong it was actually these guys who served us our very cheap cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon - not that we normally drink PBR, but it was on special and it matched the ambiance perfectly - because the bartender who also claims to be the owner, was way too “over served” to serve us. We loved this. We’re all restaurant and bar people too and each of us has, at one time or another, had to step in and help out a favorite bartender who was too drunk to do his or her job.

I say the bartender “claims” to also own the place because I “think” that’s what she says, but frankly, between her heavy accent and slurred speech, she’s a little difficult to understand. But, she’s always smiling, always looks glad to see us, opens up a jar of peanuts and pours them into a bowl and at some point in the evening she buys a round of shots for the house.

These aren’t always the best shots. She drinks Tequila Rose, a disgusting strawberry cream liqueur concoction, but last time she made some type of cherry shot. Still, it’s the thought that counts.

Still here? OK, then I’ll let you in on another secret about this place. It has a karaoke machine with a 50-foot cord.

I don’t karaoke. I’m the guy who watches as his friends who are singers get up there and do their thing, but at Cafe Bong and really only at Cafe Bong, I’ll grab the mic and belt out an off-key rendition of anything Nirvana.

On our last visit, there was another small group of friends (not related to our group) already there when we arrived. We looked each other up and down, but kept our distance. It was like one of those “dance off” movies or “Roll Bounce” where one group of friends tries to out skate the other group of friends for control of the rink. It was our best singers versus their best.

That didn’t last long. Soon, the two groups were mingling, sharing the mic, doing duets and even joining together to do an “All Sing” where everyone in the place had to sing Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
A girl from the other group did a hysterical version of “My Funny Valentine” while slithering all over the pool table.

And, the karaoke itself is hysterical. I’m guessing the CD’s they use are bootlegs from overseas, probably Korea as the bartender/owner always sings some sad sounding Korean song, badly, but with a ton of emotion.

While the songs are familiar, they sound like they were recorded in someone’s basement. And the video that plays behind the words look like random shots from stolen vacation video. Pigeons eating breadcrumbs in Rome backup Karen Carpenter. Ocean tides pounding the shore provide the backdrop for Kansas’ “Dust In The Wind.” Watching which video ends up backing up which song can prove most entertaining.

To appreciate Cafe Bong requires an open mind, a laid back attitude and the ability to find beauty in the absurd. Service industry people, actors, artists, writers will love this place. Non-creative types will hate it.

5706 N. Clark St., Chicago

773-275-0430